


the loneliest kind of lonely (just to do your thing is the hardest thing to do)

by constanted



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: (as crushes from cad and beau respectively), 20 wisdom apiece. just now realizing that they need to deal with their emotions., Fluff and Angst, Gen, Platonic Cuddling, Repression, Tattoos, Team Cleric!, Team as Family, mentioned Caduceus Clay/Fjord, mentioned Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:00:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21684895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constanted/pseuds/constanted
Summary: Caduceus rebels. Jester interrogates. No dicks are drawn. Probably.(or: team cleric attempts to discuss their feelings.)
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & Jester Lavorre
Comments: 25
Kudos: 143





	the loneliest kind of lonely (just to do your thing is the hardest thing to do)

**Author's Note:**

> happy finals seasons! i have to write 45 pages of research these next couple weeks! so instead i wrote this!
> 
> set nebulously at some point after the battle at the cathedral.
> 
> title from mama cass' "make your own kind of music," mostly because i associate caduceus with the lost scene featuring it.

He regrets it the second he says it, but he says it anyway, “Could you give me a tattoo? Just a small one,” and he stares at the ground for what feels like a century. It’s probably barely even a second, though, because Jester _claps_ , says, “Of course!” and beams wider and more genuine than she has in a long time. At least from what Caduceus has seen, of course--maybe she beams wider when he’s not around.

(He will not get insecure about this, he decides, then and there, commits to it. They are friends, him and Jester, and he mustn’t ruin that by lacking faith in her. He would prefer to continue having friends.)

They’re alone, right now, on the roof. Their garden, that they helped grow together. (This is a good garden.) Neither of them have slept too well, of late; he knows why _he’s_ not sleeping, and he’s got ideas about her, but he doesn’t want to pry.

Well. He wants to pry. He _very much_ wants to pry, but he won’t, because that’s rude. She mentioned, off-handed, that she and her dad had a talk, which is probably good, because her dad looked _awfully_ guilty when Caduceus, well. Guilt-tripped him.

(He is used to dealing with slippery folk like the Gentleman--and, oh, that’s funny, because the Gentleman’s part-elemental--and they respond well to guilt. Caduceus knows guilt like the back of his hand. He sees it everywhere he goes. In his aunt’s voice, leaving the house and knowing that she should perhaps wait for the younger kids to grow a bit more. Or in the eyes of a man in a cell in Trostenwald, looking right at him like he’s some kind of horrid messenger. Or in a reflection in a long-cracked mirror that’s been gathering an odd purple moss, lazy and terrified and lonely.)

Caduceus hopes that the talk with her dad went well, at least. She implies as much, in casual talk, but doesn’t go into detail, just smiles a little bit. Which seems to be a good sign, but Jester is hard to read sometimes, all bottled up and sugar-sweet.

But that’s not now. He’s not trying to get a read on her now. He’s asking a favor of her, and she is excited by it. He sketches out the design, and she cleans it up for him, a spiral for the Wildmother, seven small woundwort flowers around it.

“It’s very pretty, Caduceus,” Jester says, “And you want it…” she pokes the back of his neck, where he’d pointed earlier, “Here?”

“Yeah,” he says, an odd convergence of proud rebelliousness and saddened guilt in his stomach, “Where Yasha had the….” And he trails off, because that’s enough to get the point across.

“You’re not supposed to get tattoos, are you, Cad _u_ ceus?” and she draws out the ooo sound like she always does, makes it a Cah-Dyoo-Suhs, which is so lovely. “Will your Wildmother be okay with you doing this or will She be like, oh, no, Fjord’s my new favorite now, bye Caduceus,” and Caduceus laughs, a little bit, smiles, “Because the Traveler, you know, He’s _super_ cool with tattoos.”

“I appreciate the Traveller’s grace, but, uh. The Wildmother’s fine with tattoos. Especially, I’d assume, tattoos that have to do with Her. My family just has… particular notions about the preservation of bodies. My parents didn’t really approve of _these,”_ and he tugs at his earrings, “Because that’s doing damage on purpose to the flesh, decomposing something that shouldn’t decompose yet. Clarabelle and I pierced ‘em for each other about a week before mom and Corrin left, so, uh, that’s a whole thing.”

Jester blinks, a little bit confused, “My mama pierced _my_ ears and horns for me. And I like your earrings, they’re very pretty and you already have cool ears so it’s, like, double cool.”

“Thank you! I like _your_ earrings, the--the bells are very fun and they look very nice. Beau and I were talking about them the other day. She says they bring out the color of your eyes, and I guess that’s true? It’s a good aesthetic.”

Jester blushes, a little bit, smiles. “So you want this tattoo even if we see your family again?”

“Yeah. Uh. I respect their. Um. I respect and understand where they’re coming from, but, uh, it’s… Um. I was always a little bit more… Fjord said, uh, _eccentric_ , a little bit back, and that’s a good word, I think… than them, I guess. No, I… I’ve been thinking a lot, lately. About. Uh. Well. All of this stuff with Fjord, kinda coming out of his shell--the seaweed shell, literally, that’s fun. And, uh, Beau sort of stepping up into her position and Yasha being free. And that’s all… I want to--I mean, I’m grateful for my family, its history, its goal, but I’d like to do something for myself. God, I hate saying that out loud, it’s--”

“No, but this is super pretty and it’ll look so good, and if anybody’s mean you can ask the Wildmother and She’ll say, ‘That’s my Wild-Son and he is very handsome with his very cool hair and coat, and also his beautiful tattoo given to him by a super cool and pretty cleric of the Traveler.’ But She’ll say it all breezy and windy.”

“You _are_ super cool,” he concedes, blushes as he continues, “And I did ask Her if it would be okay if I got a tattoo. She said yes. Fjord thought She laughed, too. Which is cool.” Fjord also said it was a sweet question to ask. But Caduceus will not think about _that_ right now. “So, I’m gonna get a chair, and you’re gonna sit on the ground, and we’re gonna give you a _super cool tattoo_.”

She returns not long after, holding a set of tools that look a little bit painful, and he _does_ cast a Calm Emotions on himself, which Jester notices and says, “Don’t be _nervous_ , Caduceus, me and Beau and Nott and Yasha _all_ have these, and you work with all of us, so you’ll be fine.”

“In fairness,” he says, enjoying the hum in the back of his brain, “You’re all a bit heartier than me. A small breeze could knock me over.” And Jester casts Thaumaturgy, making the trap door fly open and send a small breeze in their direction.

“See? You didn’t fall over. Trust me, Caduceus, this will _barely_ hurt, I’m _super_ dextrous and I trained under Orly. So. Trust me.”

“I do. I don’t trust myself to necessarily, uh, like having something sharp near my spine, though, given the whole…”

“Ooh, yeah, I understand, yeah. Well, this won’t be near your lower back at all, and I’ll talk to you the whole time--we can talk about cooking or cool monsters or the fact that you have a secret crush on somebody or your feelings or--”

“Let’s talk about you,” he says, “How are you feelin’?”

The razor lightly scratches his neck--the fur is fine, there, and black ink will show through it clearly when it grows back. “I’m okay! I’m glad that Yasha is back because I was very worried about her--”

“Yeah, but--Jester. I… outside of how _we’re_ doing, how are _you_ doing?”

The feeling of a spiral, traced down his neck by a pen. It’s smooth and it’s done with practiced hands. The Calm Emotions fades, which is okay, because he was mostly worried about panicking about the razor. “You keep asking me that,” she says, “Like I said, I’m fine, and I’m not _always_ fine, but that’s okay, because I’m still happy, and--”

“You don’t have to be,” he says, “You… we’ve been through a lot, and we’ve done a lot, and _you’ve_ done a lot; Nott and I would be dead without you. That’s… that’s a lot of weight to put on somebody’s-- _ow_ , back.”

“It’s like Frumpkin scratches,” Jester says, sternly, “And I’m _super_ strong, Caduceus, I can carry a lot of weight.”

“So can I. Doesn’t mean I’m always happy about it.”

“You always _act_ happy about it.”

“Yeah. I do. But we don’t have to. Either of us. We’re… I talked. To your dad. And I told him that I was _lonely_ , Jester. I kept that word in me for a… long time. I don’t know how long. Probably most of my life. And it felt good to say, Jester, it… are you lonely?”

And she takes a moment, scratches a small line, probably a flower petal.

“Yes,” she says, eventually, a little bit quieter than usual. “But I have you guys, and you have us, and it just feels….”

“Wrong. But you’re still feeling it, and I’m still feeling it, and I guess we have to deal with that fact. I just… you’re not… I notice things, Jester.”

“You do that a lot.” (The needle really does feel like Frumpkin scratches. Corrin had always said that tattoos hurt much more than this.)

“So do you. You’re very insightful and wise. But… look. neither of us are very good at being properly sad or angry. Because it’s unpleasant, and it makes others unhappy.”

“ _You’re_ very insightful and wise!”

“Yeah, you already kinda said that; I was complimenting _you_ , though, because you have a very interesting type of wisdom that kind of makes me jealous.” A third flower is finished. Jester is quick. “I just… if you don’t want to be sad or angry in front of the group, you can… you know, we can do it together.”

“Not _do it, do it_ , though,” Jester says, “Unless your secret crush is on _me_.”

“I don’t--” he sighs, “Jester, you’re very beautiful and fun, but you are… not my… well. Cup of tea. That’s a phrase, right?”

“Yeah, I’m not _dead_ , Caduceus. And it is. So... who _is_ your cup of tea?”

“We can have that talk when you’re not holding a sharp object near a bunch of my more important nerves.”

“You’re no fun,” and she finishes the next flower, “You’re a lot of fun, but we can’t have secret feelings time without _telling each other secrets_.”

“Well, how about _you_ tell me a secret, and then I’ll tell you one? I heard Beau and Nott doing that the other day, when we were walking to Oremid Hass? Or somewhere in Zadash, but when you and Fjord were whispering about your dad.”

Five flowers. And Jester says, “Okay, that’s _fair_. Um. _Hmmmm._ I saw Beau’s boobs the other day in Nicodranas.”

“That’s not a secret.”

“Did _you_ see Beau’s boobs the other day in Nicodranas?”

“No, but I wasn’t….” six flowers. “Okay, fine, _I_ think Fjord would be a good... kisser.”

“Oh, one time he kissed me and I came back to life! But that was just CPR and Nott acted weird about it when I asked her if it was a kiss or not, and that was when he was flirting with _Avantika_ , soooo.”

“Yeah, I would kiss you for CPR. No offense. Because. Um. Okay. Your turn.”

Seven flowers. “Let’s keep it to those secrets today, because we need more for later. And also because Nott said that somebody in the group had a secret crush and I _knew_ it was you and I _knew_ it was Fjord, and--”

“I haven’t told _Nott_ anything,” he cringes, “I haven’t said _anything_ out loud. You know who Nott’s been talking to a lot, though? And exchanging secrets with?”

“...But _everybody_ knows Beau likes Yasha. That’s not a _secret_ crush.”

Things quickly click into place in Caduceus’ head, which is a rare feeling, and that’s _great_ , that’s a distraction that’s _easy_. And Nott’s clearly already involved, so if Beau would like, perhaps, a _gentler_ informant--albeit, a significantly less experienced one, and also, Beau is good at sex stuff, apparently, given that Keg and Reani both seemed to enjoy themselves, so he might be more of a burden there. So he’ll just watch this unfold from the side.

“Maybe she has a secret _other_ crush,” is all he says, “I don’t really know how crushes work.” The spiral starts being filled in. “But. Seriously, Jester, I… I think that, uh. That maybe we can help each other grow, even if it’s… quietly? And we’re going to your Travelercon, soon, anyway, and I have a lot of experience with religious ceremonies, even if I don’t know what the Traveller is planning.”

“And _I_ have lots of experience with making you talk about your feelings. Officially. And it runs in _my_ blood. Because you also told my dad about your feelings.”

“I think I’d talk to your mom, too, if pressed. She’s nice.”

“She is! And she knows a _lot_ about sex, so if you want seduction tips for Fjord or any other _dashing--_ ”

“No thank you, no, thanks, but, uh. No. I would, um… your mother does good work, but that’s not… um. No, I don’t think I’m much of a seducer.”

“Seduceus,” Jester says, sagely, removing the needle, “Seduceus Lay. That’s your sexy name.”

Okay, he thinks. “Okay.”

“It looks--okay, it looks _super_ cool, Caduceus. Seduceus. My sexy name is Best-er Lay-everre.” She steps in front of him and casts Disguise Self, showing a tattoo on her neck that is, actually, _super cool_.

“Thanks for… that, yeah.”

She turns back around, squats, looks him right in the eye. “What are the seven flowers for?”

“People who are important to me.”

“Your siblings?”

“Hah! No, that would be, um. No, way too many for--and _Colton, ugh,_ uh… no,” and he laughs, “Uh, yeah, they’re, um. It’s family, but it’s… a different kind of family.” He feels his face growing warm, embarrassed, because, as he has said, he is not comfortable sharing any emotions beyond his usual “pleasant” or “helpful” or sometimes “funny.” He’s trying with the third one, that’s a new one. Jester’s eyes go wide, and she says, “Oh my _gosh_ , that’s so _sweet_ , Caduceus! I’m really glad I didn’t put a dick on there, now.”

“You were gonna put a dick on there?”

“Maybe I did,” and she gets that sneaky look to her eye, her tail twitching as a giveaway that she’s joking, “You’ll never know.”

He casts a quick Cure Wounds on his neck, and she says, “Hey, you healed yourself!” and he says, “Yeah, just because I saw that hit Fjord took from Beau the other day,” and she says, “Okay, so I’m gonna lay on your shoulder now, because it won’t hurt as much.”

And she does that, after they move under the tree and make themselves tea with honey and lavender, and they fall asleep sitting there, easier than either of them have in a long time, and in the morning, the tattoo barely even stings.

**Author's Note:**

> someone please take care of the clerics.
> 
> kudo, comment, etc, and i'll love you forever!!!!


End file.
